If you feed the inner devil, it will become stronger.


I experienced this first hand as I woke up alone without my loving partner by my side.


Joshua has officially been away from me for over a week and everyday since he has been gone my mornings haven’t been the same.


I usually wake up enthusiastically ready to write, read, create and interact with the world. But, with my favorite human on the other side of the Atlantic it’s been a struggle to keep up this enthusiasm. 


I’ve been waking up later than I was before and getting out of bed to go do the “work” seems impossible compared to taking the easy path of staying in bed and wallowing in my own pity of not having the one I love with me.


For the most part during the week, I’ve swallowed my pity and gone through the motions of taking care of myself. I’ve been working out, juicing, eating, writing, creating, and doing what I need to do to move the needle forward.


While going through the motions, I was able to keep my inner devil away. I was feeding my highest self with what I know it needs and being able to keep away any real emotional breakdowns.


But, when it came to “relaxing” over the weekend, I was at a loss. Joshua was my weekend buddy and we would have fun all weekend going out and messing about. I realized quickly that he was the one I looked forward to relaxing with and without him there was really no incentive for me to take time for myself or to have the “fun” , like I used to have with him.


I made it through Saturday because my dad came over to help me with yard work right away, which gave me a boost of those good feelings I needed. Afterwards, I even had the energy to film the video ideas that I had in my head all week. Then I was invited over to my parents to chill in the lake, drink some brews, and have a good dinner. They were all the distractions I needed that prevented me from feeding my inner devil.


Then Sunday morning rolled around, with no plans to leave the house and no one to save me from my own thoughts I got lost in them. It was raining, I was in bed late and all I could think about is how Joshua was gone. How it didn’t even seem real that he had been here at all and that all we experienced was just a dream. I had messages from Joshua on my phone when I woke up, but my inner devil was already feeling the fuel I was giving it.


When I saw the messages, all I thought of was “he doesn’t care about you” and “he has already fallen out of love with you” – so I responded to the messages with minimal love, and fell back asleep.


I don’t know about anyone else, but when I fall back asleep in the morning after waking up for a short while I’m able to be more conscious during my dreams. I call it “lucid dreaming” as I’m awake in the dream and can see and feel everything that is happening, even make my own decisions for how the dream will play out.


During this dream, or should I say nightmare,  I remember Joshua and I talking and then all of a sudden he was telling me that he was going to go visit another woman. I questioned why he was going to do it and all he responded was “because I want to and so I’m going”. Just like that he was gone. Then the dream cuts over to me alone in a bed and then some creepy old man comes into bed with me and tries to grope me. I flipped out in my dream with anger and all of sudden I was awake again.


At that point, I knew that my inner devil was in full motion. Not only did it hear my negative thoughts towards Joshua and our relationship, it created a whole movie in my mind to reinforce my thoughts while I was asleep. It took control of my mind to the point where I had nothing to believe besides the negative story about Joshua.


I messaged Joshua right away about it. He offered to get on a call with me and so we did. I held back tears just trying to listen to him and his past day without wanting to talk about all the negativity that was going through my own mind. But, he finally got me to explain my nightmare and the emotions I was feeling. Thankfully, he laughed. Reminding me that the version of Joshua in my dream reminded him of the version of him from many years ago.


Suddenly, my tears started to dry up as we talked more about it. Joshua explained that he had a similar voice that was telling him that I didn’t care about him anymore either. That the voice was telling him to just end things with me because our long distance relationship was doomed. He had an inner devil wanting to be fed as well, but he refused to. He told his devil “NOPE” and gave me love instead.


I felt better knowing that we were both fighting our inner devil towards our relationship. I was incredibly grateful for him being so much stronger than me, for always being the leader that I need in my life. Because he restored my belief in myself, that I could tell that devilish voice to shut up. By the time we got off the phone with each other, the inner devil was asleep. I was once reminded how powerful our love is and how it isn’t going anywhere.


I continued to live my day with enthusiasm out of love for Joshua and our mission together.


What I took away from this experience was that I’ve let my inner devil win many times with my relationships, but I won’t let it win with this one. In past relationships, my inner devil would hear my negative thoughts about the relationship and it took them happily as fuel to help me disintegrate the relationship right in front of my eyes. This time however, I’m aware of how easy it is to feed that inner devil and how imperative it is that I keep it hungry enough to starve to death.


At this point in my life, I know what I need to do to keep a healthy relationship. I know what it takes to be a good partner. I know what it takes to be the woman I need to be to support Joshua. I know what it takes to be the leader of my own life. So there is no reason that I can’t do all I know I can do until Joshua and I are together again.


The only entity that doesn’t believe in me is that damn inner devil. The devil that wants to sabotage me and my relationship so that I’m an alone miserable mess again. Because it gets joy out of seeing me suffer from my own negative thoughts and stories created in my head.


But, in my awareness around it – I can stop feeding it before it gets too strong. I can say no to the negative thoughts, keeping my inner devil starved in the corner of my mind with no energy to ruin me.


I’m writing this for anyone who has felt the inner devil within them recently trying to ruin them and their relationships. To hopefully empower you to stop feeding it. 


And most importantly to have certain power moves set into place when the devil’s voice seems stronger than your own. So the next time you feel like you’re feeding this inner devil remember me when I say:


  1. Negative thoughts in the morning can be shifted to neutral or positive thoughts by going through the motions of what you need to do to support your highest self – meditation, breathing work, journaling, books, audio tapes, physical exercise, juicing, calming tea. 
  2. Talk with your partner with what is going on in your mind – be like “hey I know this isn’t true, but this is what I’ve been thinking ….” When it is finally out in the open, you’ll hear how ludicrous it sounds and be able to work through it together.
  3. You are more powerful than the inner devil within you, look that sucker in the eye and tell it “NO, NOT TODAY, I’M NOT FEEDING YOU ANYMORE”


Because we will play out any story that we want to. I could’ve continued to roll the negative story about Joshua and I, how our relationship is doomed and will fall apart, and continued that story until both of us were miserable. But, I choose to live out the story that everything between us is perfectly fine and that we are growing together everyday so that we can be together once again, so that I can continue our story of faith and love.


Don’t feed the devil today, don’t let it ruin what good you’ve got going on. 

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