Once I started to question my identity, I realized that my identity determined my reality. All of which I identify with, occupies my life. Identity is internal, but it manifests in the external world.
I started to become more aware of how I was talking about myself. I started to differentiate between my various identities and determine which ones served me and which ones didn’t. I actively worked to question every aspect of my identity. Who I was, my purpose and who I want to be.
This led me all the way to questioning my own name.
My given name has been attached to my identity since before I left the womb. An identity passed onto me with it’s own associations and expectations. An identity passed onto me before I even had any sort of conscious understanding of “self” – before I could have a say in what I wanted my identity to be.
I had to accept and honor this identity, take it on as my own, and not allow it to be questioned or manipulated. Regardless of my awareness that the identity carried unwanted weight of a history and lifestyle that felt foreign to call my own.
I’ve surprised myself by getting to this point of questioning my own name. I never used to think about it before. But, now it’s all I remember. I’ve been in this place for years, yearning to shed away the identity associated with my name. But, never knowing quite how to rewrite a new identity.
I’ve spent hours online, looking at all the artists, musicians, writers, actors, any creative individual who has taken it upon themselves to change their names and thus their identities. I look at all their faces, their “success” and I wonder if they had the same feeling that I feel.
The feeling of wanting to change your name and identity but confused on why the desire exists in the first place. Why must a name matter so much to some and so little to others?
I believe the events leading up to an individual wanting to change their name can be infinite – but that all do it in order to live within a different identity. To be free from everything they were before, to be reborn as the identity they want to embody on this earth.
I’ve reached a level of consciousness where I understand that questioning “why” a feeling is there and analyzing it for all that is can prevent the action that would resolve the feeling. By spending countless hours trying to justify my desire to change my name and trying to come up with the “perfect” one to embody who I want to be – I’ve gotten nowhere. Only traveled in circles within my own mind.
The only way to save myself from the endless cycles of questioning my identity is to take the initiative and change it. To write the new story with the identity that I want to embody after having 25 years to understand who I am on this earth.
I’m ready to free myself from the identity bestowed upon me and step into the identity that I’ve created.
Stay tuned for the story of Katherine Hemlock
A woman who was found among nature and chose a life of creation.