I started to get real online when I felt like I had no one to talk to
I didn’t start posting for money, fame, attention, or anything else besides the fact that I felt alone in such a big world.
I had so many thoughts racing through my head all the time and no one in my personal life around to listen.
But what about friends or family?
Well – I’ve never been the type of person to be that close to others. It wasn’t because I didn’t care about other people, I just have always been one to keep my thoughts to myself.
Ever since I could write I had a journal or what I used to call a “diary” where I would write my thoughts down.
My diary was where growing up and starting to gain self-awareness I would dump thoughts of “you’re fat and no boy will ever love you” and contrast it with “I have the biggest crush on…” – yah know, typical young girl banter.
With this in mind, I shared more with the paper than I ever did with others.
I would tell my diary more about what was going on in my life and in my mind than anyone else.
This isn’t a stab at the way I was raised, or me complaining about my upbringing – it just is how things were.
This way of life of “not sharing” things with others followed me up into highschool. But, at that point, I stopped even journaling about my thoughts. Which led me to get lost in them and as a result, I ended highschool living a double life that only a select few know the details of.
So even by the end of highschool I really wasn’t sharing my thoughts within anyone still. I just kept them between me, myself and I everyday.
This way of life didn’t really set me up for success in college. As my self-awareness and social-awareness skyrocketed because I was away from where I grew up – I had more thoughts racing through my head than ever before. And I didn’t know how to cope. Because of course, I still wasn’t journaling.
Without knowing how to cope with these thoughts, I developed extreme anxiety and depression and had to seek a therapist to understand what was going on. At that point I rather talk to a stranger about what was going on in my life than confine myself to anyone I personally knew.
But after two years of therapy, nothing really changed. Between the fact that I had isolated myself from my family and my friends and that I was doing zero personal development work, there is no surprise nothing changed anyways.
It wasn’t until I was about to graduate college again that I got back into journaling. At that point I was told that I should seek “God” by a loved one who was tired of my mental breakdowns. As I classified myself as an atheist at the time and had no faith in life, I thought that he may be right.
I started studying religion again and recorded my progress in a journal – it was the first time that I wrote “dear spirit” instead of “dear diary” in my entire life. I started talking to myself like there was another side of me to talk to.
I found peace in writing to my spirit and asking the questions that raced through my mind everyday. But, as I was studying Catholicism again for the second time in my life, I lost interest as it didn’t truly speak to my soul. With it the journaling to my spirit stopped.
I graduated college with little excitement as I didn’t have much of a future planned. I ended up in California with my brother, the one person in my life I felt like I could be real and honest with. But, not even he could save me from my inner devilish thoughts I was feeling. In my isolation and stress of moving away from everything I’ve ever known, I began to write to myself again for sanity.
For a year after that I had the same journal, only writing in it once a month. Forgetting about it only when I needed to have a mental breakdown and write about all that was happening. I started to notice that month after month, my mental breakdowns would happen at the same time. It was like I was cycling through the same misery over and over again.
It still felt impossible to share with anyone what was going on in my mind. I lived such a secretive life for so long that opening up to others seemed like my worst nightmare. But, I needed to find someone who understood, I needed someone to connect with. However, to go to those I knew seemed pointless – they were biased on what I was going through because they had always known who I was.
So – I created a new instagram account and wa-la. The rest is history. I didn’t post my whole life story and all of my thoughts right away for everyone to see. I started by posting about my eco life and what I was doing to be “green” first. But, as I became more comfortable with posting, the more I felt free to share my words.
Eventually I was sharing what I was writing in my journals with the world or more specifically anyone who happened to find them.
I would share my deepest dark thoughts, my poems, my aspirations, my perspectives and my philosophies. I had no filter about what was going on, what I wanted to share was released with no second thoughts.
It’s like an explosion went off and I was finally free. I wasn’t free from the chatter, but I was free to release it in a way that worked for me. Because in sharing what I wanted to share, I started connecting with others who had similar thoughts as me. I started having conversations with strangers who felt like life long friends because they were feeling me on a deeper emotional level because of my writings. I finally felt like I had someone to talk to.
Over time, my writings have changed and what I share has changed as well. But, the intention behind what I share is still the same. Connect with others who think like me. Because this world is way too big to only be finding love with those you can touch. With this perspective, it is no surprise that I’m an American who is dating an Englishman that I first connected with online.
Don’t ask me why it came down to me sharing more about my life with the public than with my friends and family. I just followed the feeling and now I’m here. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
My whole life of keeping everything bottled up and having mental distress as a result had to change. And when I did finally change the way I was releasing the chatter in my mind, my life started to change.
I’m no longer that sad girl that could only share her thoughts with the paper. I’m a confident woman who shares her writings to inspire the people around the world.
So that is how I started posting my life online. It wasn’t the most beautiful and elegant story to get here, but is it ever? It’s usually from the darkest stories the strongest leaders emerge from.
Which is why I’m writing this – to wake up whoever needs to wake up to the change they need to make in their life. You can sit with your demons alone with your journal or you can dance with them and live to tell the story to the world.
Write to stop the chatter, share to spread the impact.
Your lessons learned are worth sharing.